You know how every family has those relatives?
Is it just our family?
Please say it's not.
I thought I would try to describe you y'all what it's like to experience a holiday season with The Source Family, but it'll be easier if I just quote one of our favorite Christmas movies instead.
Disclaimer: If you happen to actually BE a Source Family member and you recognize yourself here, well, just remember, I did conceal your identity! No one else knows which one is you. And I'm not responsible for your strangeness...I'm just responsible for teasing you about it.
All quotes from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
"Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd p--- my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so."
Yes, people, we do have our own version of Cousin Eddie, but it isn't a male, it's a female. She's been known to stand in corners mumbling to herself and to join in conversations by interjecting bits of random information that have to do with nothing! She means well, but we have to designate a chaperone to follow her around the house in case she gets lost.
"Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"
I'm pretty certain those words actually left my mouth at some point on Christmas Eve....or was I just daydreaming?
"Is your house on fire, Clark?"
Darling Daughter went to the zoo with her BFF during winter break...to see the beautiful Christmas lights, primarily. The night before they left she called to confirm pick-up time and I swear I actually heard my dingbat daughter ask "Are there going to be animals there??" It's a ZOO, honey, what was your first clue??
"I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic."
I wonder at the wisdom of Santa putting an Air Rifle under the tree for Ryan. He's already shot his sister in the butt with it...at point blank range. I'm only slightly more worried about his safety that hers because if it happens again she just might put him in an arm bar.
"Where is Eddie? He usually eats these things."
Did I mention that it's not just his sister Ryan likes to shoot? Our young marksman has become very adept at shooting squirrels out of trees. And he is perfectly thrilled to skin 'em and eat 'em. Right there at my kitchen sink. Squirrel. The other white meat??
"Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now."
Flabbergasted is the only word that works...a few of the Christmas gifts our family received...just...uh...well, never mind. If it's the thought that counts than we should probably go into hiding! And that's all I'm saying about that.
"You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant."
That's right...so don't go to Grandma's with a red velvet cake unless you call her on the phone first. Otherwise you'll just end up standing there on the back steps holding a red velvet cake and freezing your butt off...but hey, they cake won't melt.