Ba hha ha ha!
OK, for real, though...the post isn't about a single person I know. It's about EVERY person I know. They're Stereotypes, Heather. I could pick 30 people who fit each one, including me and your dad!
Today is the beginning of my Final Five.
The last five months before I turn forty.
No longer thirty-something.
If I live to be 80, my life will be half over. I guess that's why they call it...MIDDLE AGED???
I just have one question: Who made the rule that time goes by so much faster once your kids get big enough to wash their own clothes, fix their own food and clean up their own messes?? And how is that FAIR?? I really think baby & toddlerhood should have sped by a little quicker and childhood could slow down a bit. That makes much more sense. I mean, I would have graciously bypassed wearing puke on my shoulder and wiping bottoms for all those years. Teenagers are trying at times, but at least you can take away their car keys and cell phones if don't behave! Two year old children do not comprehend why you've just grounded them from driving their Little Tykes car, so they stomp and hurl themselves in the floor and cry great big crocodile tears and snot runs down their faces and they shriek and wail and...
On second thought, perhaps teenagers aren't so different from toddlers after all. Hmmm...
Anyway, to make matters worse, I woke up this morning, plopped myself in front of Good Morning America with my glass of Diet Coke as usual, and was astonished to learn that The Breakfast Club movie turns twenty-five this year!
Has it really been that long?? Did The Breakfast Club truly debut the year my husband graduated from high school??!! Yes, I suppose it did. I mean, look at the way the actors are dressed...and the hair styles...and the phrases they use. Definitely mid-80's. Totally. The best! Times! EVER!
Which means that all those characters, Bender, Claire, Andrew, Brian, Allyson and the Janitor and the Principal are like...OLD now! They're middle aged, too! Just like me!!
And speaking of Middle Aged, did you check out Jennifer Grey on Dancing With The Stars last night? Baby was awesome! Awww...she and Derrek did a wonderful job and I hope all the judges will leave off talking about Patrick Swayze every time they open their mouths and stop making her cry! OK, back on topic here...
So now I'm sitting here wondering...where do you think The Breakfast Club characters would be at this point in their lives? Twenty-five years after high school...who would they be and what would the Brain, the Athlete, the Princess, the Basket Case and the Criminal look like and what would they be doing?
Because I totally know the answers. By using a calculated, exact scientific formula, old yearbook photos, and current facebook profiles of old classmates (mine and the hubby's), I'm able to determine what would have been the futures of these beloved characters (if, you know, they were actually real) and I can tell you precisely how these characters would have turned out. (Assuming they had grown up around here, of course. Not in the Chicago area. I have no idea how they would have turned out up there.) Wouldn't it be cool if there were like a Breakfast Club Reunion movie? No? Well, OK maybe not.
Here's my analysis on each BCC (Breakfast Club Character):
"I got a question...does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?"
"Screws fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place."
"If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!"
"I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir."
"I'm thinkin' of tryin' out for a scholah-shiip!"
Bender in 2010: Beer belly, filthy t-shirt, cigarette breath, faded tattoos, Bender starts his day off right with coffee, Marlboros & oatmeal from the gas station while waiting on the crew to fill up the work truck and stock their lunchboxes with honey buns, Doritos & Mountain Dew for the day. (He can't drive the work truck himself, since he lost his license back in 1992 after his 3rd DUI.) After a long day's work, he can usually be spotted holding up traffic along the highway as he putters to the Quick Stop on his moped for a six pack...or else sitting on the beat up sofa on his front porch spitting tobacco juice in the yard and telling the neighbor's kids to "Eat my shorts!"
Claire's Life's Motto:
"Do you know how popular I am? I am so popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school."
Claire in 2010:
Of course, the year 1985 was the best year of her life. It was all down hill after that. She didn't end up with the bad boy she was kissing at the end of the movie. No, that was just a phase. Claire and all of her BFF's married the most popular boys in high school (or maybe someone they met in college but probably not) and then settled into matching houses & set about having all their babies at the exact same time so their kids could grow up and be BFF's too! Now Claire stays busy shopping the sales at the mall every day so her kids can keep up appearances in their Hollister & Phiten. After all, Claire packed on a few pounds after she squeezed out those puppies, so she's pushing maximum density now! No more fashionable clothing for her. She'll have to live vicariously through her teenage daughter now! Sadly, Claire doesn't even realize that she's no longer Prom Queen but just another round face in the crowd.
Brian's Words of Wisdom:
"Well, you know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library."
"Did you know without trigonometry there would be no engineering?"
When asked by Andrew "What do you need a fake ID for?"
"So I can vote!"
Brian of 2010:
Brian's a successful engineer. Or an accountant. Or a Dermatologist. It doesn't matter what he does, the point is Brian's married to the president of the PTO. They reside in an upscale, manicured neighborhood where the property association regularly measures the grass on people's lawns to make sure it isn't too tall. They have 2.3 children (a boy and a girl) and Brian spends his weekends watching the little ones at their swim meets...when he isn't on the golf course. Brian may have been a geek in high school, but at the reunion you'll note that he's the one that's still in great shape and has all his hair & teeth!
Andrew's Views in '85:
"I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform."
"You're a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie!"
Andrew in 2010:
Andrew got a wrestling scholarship to a state college, but he blew out his knee Sophomore year (tripped over something while drunk at a frat party) and his "jock" days were over. Nowadays Andrew's divorced, but he stays involved by coaching his son's Little League team. He's still decent looking, although he's somewhat self-conscious since his hairline is receding and his waistline's a bit wider than it used to be. Drives a big, shiny pickup truck and always watches the game on Saturdays on his flat screen tv.Andrew's still a pretty nice guy but has, on occasion, been known to yell at Mc Donald's employees, "If I lose my temper you're totalled, man!"
"The Basket Case"
"My home-life is unsatisfying."
Allison in 2010:
Never mind what she said in the library 25 years ago, Allison's not really a nymphomaniac. She's just a free spirit. Allison is now the high school's Art teacher. A snappy dresser, yet a thrift store fanatic, Allison spends her free time volunteering at the food bank and helping out at the Children's Theater where she designs sets and encourages the kids to express their feelings while waving their arms around like trees. Allison loves square-foot gardening and is a strict vegetarian who still flings the bologna out of her bagged lunch. Once in a while she still craves a good Pixie Stick & Capt'n Crunch sandwich. Allison lives in a rustic old house with the PE coach and considers her home-life "satisfying" at last.
And as for the Principal, Mr. Vernon, well...he's chasing old ladies around the nursing home muttering "You mess with the bull, you'll get the horns!"