Thursday, February 25, 2010

How to Drive Your Children Insane!

Whenever the Hubby and I leave the house together, our kids call us at least every four and a half minutes until we return. Mostly for absolutely NO reason at all. They just miss us sooooo much. Yeah, right. The following was an actual conversation which took place while the Hubby and I were driving around doing errands this afternoon and the kids would NOT stop calling me:

**Ring Ring**

**Ring Ring**

Hubby Answers: "Hello. You have reached Mom's voicemail. I'm sorry but Mom is trying to check out of Academy Sports at this time and cannot talk to you.
If you would like to leave a message for mom, please press ONE.
If you would like to hear this recording in Spanish please press TWO.
If this is an emergency, press THREE.
If you just pressed THREE, please indicate which emergency you are experiencing:
For broken bones, press SEVENTEEN.
For bleeding from the eyeballs, press TWENTY-THREE.
If you don't really have an emergency, but you don't want to leave a message, and you'd rather speak to Mom right now. press 9123705643208."

Pip Squeak: "Dad? DAD! Is that you, Dad? Can I speak to mom? Dad? Ugh....hello??"

Pip hangs up. The Hubby laughs his head off. Pip calls back. Phone ringing again...

"Hello. Once again you've reached Mom's voicemail. Mom still can't talk to you.
If you speak Spanish, please press ONE...

Dad! You're not funny! Lemme talk to Mom!

If you'd like to hear this message in someone else....Mom doesn't speak German...

Dad come ON! For real. I'm not stupid.

If you want Mom to pick up something from the grocery store dial 87 # to record your list of items...

Click. Pip hung up again. Went and found his brother...dialed my number again...

Hello. Mom's voicemail is now full. If you would like to be transferred directly to Mom instead of leaving a message, please press ONE.

(This time he actually DID it! He pressed a button! He he!)


I'm sorry, your selection did not register. Please press ONE again.


You pressed THREE. If this is correct, please say "yes." If not, say no,


Laughing twins on other end trying to figure out if it REALLY might be a voicemail program or if their Dad is full of...ummm....

You chose German. To begin recording your message in German and have it translated to English for Mom, start talking after the tone...

Huh? German? Who knows GERMAN?? Oh man...MOM! It's important! Grrr....

Hablo taco and burrito. Por favor en el haciente? No comprende. Dos equis. Margarita! Arriba Slow Poke Rodriguez.

Dad you don't know Spanish...that doesn't even make sense. Where's MOM?

If this is an emergency... IS an emergency! Answer the PHONE!!!

They hung up and called back AGAIN...this time I answered...

Hello? What's the matter, boys?? Is everything OK?

Umm...yes ma'am...why?

I got an emergency notice from my voicemail...what's the matter?

Well...huh? Nothing. We just wanted to talk to you and we kept getting the recording so we said it was an emergency...we just needed to tell you to get some donuts!

Oh no...well...the police have already been notified...they should be there any minute so make sure you open the door for them when they get there. Just tell them nothing's wrong. They should understand.

For real?? Call 'em back and tell 'em not to come!

I can't! Once you said it was an emergency they automatically have to come check...

Ahhhh geesh, whatever! Well...Mom! They're gonna be MAD!

Maybe not. If they take you to jail for impersonating an emergency, I promise I'll come get you right away. Just as soon as I put the groceries away. OK?

Mom. Like we really believe you anyway. Can you just go get some donuts, please??

Sweetie, they don't let you have donut.s in jail! But after I bail you out, we'll see.

I hung up. Darling Daughter immediately called me back...

MOTHER? What's going on? The twins said the cops are coming here, I don't know what they're talking about and when the heck are y'all getting home?

Hello. You've reached your Mother's voicemail. To leave a message, please press... people need help! It's like y'all live to torture your children or something. Whatever. If the cops show up here I'm gonna tell them to wait on y'all and take you to the place they put the crazy old people! Are you bringing donuts??

To ask Mom to bring home donuts, press 75.



Silence! No more phone calls. Finally!


Kiy said...

I am over here, rolling on the floor laughing so hard. My hubby asked, so I had to read it to him. Or rather, attempt. I couldn't stop laughing. He gave up and had to come read it over my shoulder.

He said: Good idea, make a note of that. :)


P.S. How's your mom? Thinking of her!

Chelsea Gour said...

That is so funny! And, it so familiar. Not the voice mail part, just the calling part! If I leave the house, the kids will call before I get out of the neighborhood. If I don't answer my phone, they will call their Dad's and ask to speak to me! He'll ask them what they need and they will tell him they NEED to talk to me. Then I get on the phone and one of them asks something like, "can I have an apple?" Really?? You couldn't ask your dad that? You had to ask that at all? Or if I'm in the store and don't get signal there will be 23 missed calls when I get to the parking lot!

Hezra said...

yes, I understand. oh so well.

mendyc said...

Y'all are evil people! lol