Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Wasn't it torture enough already??

The countdown has begun.
This is my last week as a mom of four KIDS.
Yes, that's right, that's what I said. The last week. As a mom. Of four kids.
As of next Monday I won't be the mom of four KIDS anymore.
No, I'm not knocking any of them off or putting them up for sale.
Although, the thought may or may not have crossed my mind.
Next Monday I will officially become an "Old Lady."
Because our Oldest will turn TWENTY years OLD!
Ugh. Just buy me an ugly housecoat and plunk me down in a motorized Scooter already. Buy me one of those Life Alert necklaces. I can't take it. I mean, I may have to change my email address, even! And I've had the same one since 1997. Since the internet was like, all slow and dial-up and stuff.
When our first baby boy was born, we had one of those huge camcorders that sat up on your shoulder. The kind that makes you look important like Stephen Spielberg. Our computer monitor had orange words and pictures on it. And we thought it was cool! We had a VCR and a pile of cassette tapes in the car.
In 1990 I had poufy hair! And a waist! And all my body parts. And speaking of body parts...they were still in the right places, too!
Twenty years ago we were taught to put our baby to sleep on his belly. All wrapped up tightly in a blanket. In his crib. All by himself. We used a regular bottle, too! Not one with disposable liners or valves or air-bubble-reducers! And yes, he did spit up. So we burped him. We changed our clothes alot. No one thought twice about it. That's what babies did.
We had plain old Pampers diapers that shredded when you pulled a tab open to check them.
And he sat in a wooden high chair! With no seatbelt! He played in a real baby walker with wheels! He rolled all over the place in that thing.
And...and...I hope you're sitting down...are you sitting down??
Go. Sit. Please.
When he turned two, he was legally allowed to ride without a car seat!
Oh. My. Gosh!
I am not even kidding, folks!
It's a wonder he survived!
Also, there was no Barney, no Wiggles, no Spongebob and no Yo Gabba Gabba.
Thank you, God!
Now, my baby writes his college papers on a laptop with better graphics than our television. He emails his homework to his professors while playing xBox 360 on his high definition flat screen plasma tv with surround sound. He orders fast food online and rents dvds over the internet.
And mama feels old.
But just in case my baby's impending twentieth birthday wasn't enough to mess up my week, Darling Daughter thought she'd throw something huge into the mix herself.
She's going to try for her driver's license.
On his birthday.
Help me, Lord. I can't take it!

1 comment:

Hezra said...

oh honey--- my prayers are with you. and speaking of that top secret email... would you mind sharing?? hmmm?? if you get the inclination, mine is hezra_at_home@yahoo.com