Monday, December 14, 2009

Toys Guaranteed to Drive Parents Batty

Alrighty then.
At the end of November I shared with you my Super Spectacular Happy Holiday Gift Guide.
I'm sure you recall that it was chocked full of ideas that your family and friends are sure to love.
Then, last week I shared some excellent Christmas websites where you can do such things as track Santa's journey on Christmas Eve or have some Santa paraphernalia sent to your house so that you can pull a fast one on your kids.
And now we're only about ten days away from Christmas, so I thought I'd share one of my favorite parts of this holiday season.
It's called:
Finding That Perfectly Annoying Gift for Kids That Aren't Yours!
You don't search high and low for particularly unpleasant presents to give to the offspring of your most despised relations? You just don't know how to have fun.
Every family has one or two members that deserve to be driven insane during the holidays. An exceptionally irritating cousin, brother-in-law or step-sibling who gets on your nerves so much that you secretly want to find a way to make them absolutely miserable!
While still appearing to be the kind-hearted relative that's filled with Christmas Spirit, of course.
You mean you don't have those kinds of people in your family?
Sure you do. You just don't want to admit it.
For those of you who embrace the madness, I offer the following concepts in gifting...which appear innocent, colorful and fun, but are bound to drive parents somewhat mad.
1. The inexpensive little plastic gun. If you have nephews on your list, this is a must-have. Especially if the nephews belong to the irritating relative! You can pick one of these babies up in the dollar store for almost nothing. The ear-piercing noises emitted from this toy firearm are horrendous!

Added bonus: If your relative is against letting Junior play with "violent" toys, this tiny weapon will aggravate them even more.

2. The Sit & Spin
Also known as the Whirly Twirly Make 'Em Hurly! With this colorful toy, your kin-folks will be fooled into thinking that you've gifted their tiny tot with a toy designed to enhance their motor skills and provide hours of vestibular stimulation. Little do unsuspecting first-time parents know that their 5 year old may very well spin himself into a tizzy and projectile vomit all over the family room.

3. Gnip Gnop. The name says it all, doesn't it? Well, not really. I mean, what IS a Gnip Gnop anyway? Sure, it looks and sounds perfectly benign...while it's IN THE BOX. Take it out, hand it to the kids, and it becomes an Instant Migraine! Make sure to stash a bottle of Ibuprofen in the package!
4. Kissing Barbie. You're going to have to look this one up on eBay. They're probably in limited supply these days. After all this is a doll my sister and I loved way back in the 70's. Or maybe the early 80's. It's worth the time and effort in finding one, though, if you happen to be buying it for a little girl with brothers! She'll have endless hours of fun tormenting the boys with sticky, gooey plastic Barbie smooches! Or, she can make Barbie smooch her reddish gloss all over her own little hands and legs so her mother will think she's been attacked by rogue mosquitoes. Either way, loads of delight for the little girl in your life.

5. The Tuneyville Choo-Choo. I know they still made these in the 90's. Because my kid had one. Probably V-Tech has invented something even more obnoxious by now, but for sheer and utter mind-numbing repetition of tooty-steam-whistle shrieks, this train takes the gold star! It chugs along on hard surfaces with a cacophony of acoustics that will have Mommy and Daddy slamming their heads in the cabinet doors in no time!

5. The Popcorn Popper
We actually HID this thing from our oldest child when he was a baby. All it took was about three days straight of incessant pop-pop-popping around our apartment. I can attest to the fact that it WILL annihilate what's left of your brain cells. Give it to the family member who has the two-year-old most prone to tantrums! They'll never forget you for it! Trust me.

Feel free to add your favorite nerve-wracking toys to the list! I'm always up for new ideas.


mendyc said...

Hubby dug our sit & spin out of the attic last week. He needs to put it back! I hid Melodrammatic Monkey's popper too! I still have my choo-choo and it still worked until MM got ahold of it. I bought him a red one of his own, and ended up hiding it with the popper. Didn't we have a gnip gnop? I seem to remember you cheating by holding your end up higher than mine. And I sure am glad we didn't have brothers and could have a kissing Barbie! Life just wouldn't have been the same without it.

Hezra said...

oooh, I have an add. The stupid little vibrating elmo and ernie and whoever the heck else they made... WE had Tickle me ernie. It had the obvious Ernie hair do, black tickly fuzz. It was soft enough the baby wanted to sleep with it. The baby also wanted to sleep with ME. So, in the middle of the night. I accidentally pushed Ernie with my foot. He replied with a very scary (in the middle of the night) giggly fest and vibrating that ejected me out of bed and into our apartment wall. Clutching my baby for safety. Ernie got thrown out the very next night. Do not tell my dad. He bought it as a "special" gift from pop.
the cookie monster version was actually demonic sounding. with very deep "hoooooo hiooooooo hoooo THAT TICKLES" and made my baby cry.

Hezra said...

oh, and we all laughed quite hard at the sit and spin's REAL name!