Friday, November 6, 2009

Happy Feet, Happy Heart???

Do you take good care of your feet? Do you pamper them with pedicures? Do you paint your toes, soak your tootsies and humor your hooves?

Or are your phalanges frustrated? Are your toes troubled? Are your paws pathetic?

If you're lowest extremities are stressed, you'd better do something about it. Head to Wal-Mart and buy yourself a foot-soaker, quick! Grab some pretty pink nail polish and a good callus scraper while you're there. You're going to need some relaxing peppermint cream, and you might as well pick up some fluffy socks, too! Trust me, you want happy feet!

Because believe me, it matters. More than you know! Happy feet are the keys to a successful life. Lucky for you, you have stumbled across my blog today, and I'm here to enlighten you in the knowledge of toes.

After all, that's why I'm The Source.

It seems that our feet are representative of the very lives we lead. This is particularly disturbing to me since I tend to overlook my feet for the most part. I mean, I wash them, I put lotion on them, and in the summer time I paint the nails bright, cheery shades like lime green or electric blue. (I stopped using dark purple when my mom told me I looked like I had broken all my toes.) In the winter time, I'll admit, I tend to ignore my toes. I make sure that my toenails are nicely clipped and that they stay toasty warm, but otherwise my poor toes are neglected in colder months. Unless my hubby wants to rub them for me.

However, I hereby declare that all previous slovenly disregard for my toes shall be rectified now that I have seen the light! You may want to take note of the following. It could change your life.

According to the Toe Expert, KC Miller, toes tell the story of our lives. There's a whole entire science behind toe-reading! Were you aware of this? I wasn't, but it's true. By merely observing the state of your feet, a toe-reader can tell if you're shy or outgoing, depressed or content. Had a hard life? It's reflected in your feet. Your toes are probably crooked, scaly and sad. Are you unhappy? Lonely? Looking for a friend? You may want to avoid flip flops because your tired old feet are sure to be a turn-off.

On the other hand, if you have an outgoing personality and a careful outlook on life, invest in lots of sandals! Because yeah, Happy people = Happy toes.

But wait! There's more! (I know, astonishing, isn't it?) Is your second toe longer than your big toe? Then you're an excellent communicator. Do you worry about money all the time? If so, you'd better knock it off. That will cause a corn on your pinky toe. Is your middle toe pointy? You're bound to be a know-it-all. And be extra careful to protect your left foot! It "contains vital energy for the moral and spiritual growth and understanding." The right one isn't so important since it holds all your past junk.

All of this toe science leads me to worry about my Hubby and the Pip Squeak. You see, they're doomed. Yes, both of them. To be honest, I'm not sure if I should share this with them, since I don't want to make things worse. Ignorance is bliss, after all. Then again, I suppose they have a right to know that life may not be all they had hoped.

They...they...umm...they have strange big toes. Heartbreaking, I know. Pip's big toes are crooked. They don't point straight ahead. Since BOTH of his big toes are affected, this indicates that not only has he already settled for less but he will continue to do so in the future. Less what? I don't really know. But if he's settled for it already at his young age, life can only be distressing for the poor child. Maybe we should save up and have his toes fixed before he reaches adulthood so that he can lead a more satisfying life?

Now, my Hubby? Oh, my Hubby. The love of my life. The father of my children. My companion in this crazy world. I don't know how to inform him that he's headed for a future of misery and squalor. There's nothing I can do to help him. It can't be fixed. His feet are freckled and slightly hairy. His toes are boxy and stumpy. But all of that's nothing compared to this:

He's MISSING the toenail on his left big toe!

It's OK. I'll be fine. I'm certain that I'll find a way to break it to him. After all, I'm a great communicator...just look at my toes!


The Momster said...

Okay...I am determined NOT to look down at my toes now.

However, I tend to lean towards BRIGHT red polish most of the time...or a french manicure. What must that say about me? Nah...don't answer. I'm going to wait for The Toe Whisperer...

Tammy said...

Ummm, feet are neglected on a regular basis. :-(

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